It’s Not You, It’s We: 4 Tips for Breaking Up With Your Band

You’ve practiced this. And you really are sorry – you tried to make things work but, unfortunately, it’s just not working out, and – no, it’s you, it’s not them, really.

Breaking up is hard to do. You know that – half your songs are about that – but you didn’t ever expect it to happen to you and your band. But stiff upper lip, darling, you’re ready to promote your music alone, take your tunes in a new direction creatively, and now you’ve got to pull the trigger. And we’re here to do more than promote your music – we’re here to help you make the cut.

Being in a band is like being in a relationship, only there are a lot more people and a lot less smooching. Yikes. As you know, things can get tense. Eventually, you may need to leave your band, or eject an ill-suited member, or even dissolve the group entirely. Hey, don’t feel bad: the freakin’ Beatles broke up. It happens to the best of us, baby. Here are a few tips from the pros to help smooth over the process.

1. Make up your mind. Okay, yeah, you’re going to have mixed feelings, but you can’t make that obvious. If your bandmates pick up on your ambivalence—and remember, man, they know you—they may try pretty hard to talk you out of your decision. Heck, they’ll probably try anyway. So although you can and should come across as sympathetic, don’t waffle, and don’t be a pushover.
2. Meet somewhere neutral. You want to be able to leave quickly and easily, if you need to, and you should afford your bandmates that same courtesy. At least promise you won’t, like, hit up a drive-thru together just before rehearsal and broach the subject while unwrapping your McGriddle in the passenger seat, alright? See how that could be bad?
3. Set a time limit. Remember when you tried to break up with your high-school sweetheart and he gave you that weepy three-hour spiel about how this time he’d really change, really? What a waste of your afternoon, right? It’s always easier to come into these conversations with a built-in time constraint (e.g., you’re so sorry but you’ve got that appt. with Lady Gaga’s costume designer in an hour) so you don’t get lost in a time-sucking vortex of justifications and cajoling.
4. Maintain the relationship. One way the bands-as-boyfriends analogy fails is that although ex-boyfriends don’t tend to make the best platonic buddies, ex-bandmates often do. In fact, maybe it’s your fear of wrecking your friendship that is keeping you from taking what you know is the next step musically and professionally—i.e., splitting up. The other person will likely be hurt by your decision, so the ball’s in your court. Wait a week, then take them out to do something not band-related. It’ll be good for your guys in the long run.